Chapter Four - The Hokiness Factor

I don't know if you've noticed, but there are a couple of hokie things written into the story of Cinderella.  Today I would like to focus on Prince Christopher's conduct at Cindy's exit.

 

Synopsis:  Boy meets girl.  Boy smitten.  Boy shares feelings.  Girl bolts.  Boy stands there wondering What The Heck?

 

Actually, there's more to it than that.  There's a clock striking midnight, and Cindy's clothes and everything else reverting to its previous form.  Cindy has to beat the clock and get out of Dodge (and many other cliches not mentioned here) lest Prince 1 see her as she really is (smoking hot babe, but not Ball worthy).   It seems to me the clock is a convenient plot device.  I'm no prince, but in my experience sharing feelings too early with the chick tends to result in her bolting, clock or no clock.  But I digress. 

 

After dancing at the Ball, sneaking off to the garden, and Prince 1 somehow determining in 10 minutes that Cindy is The Woman Of His Destiny, she abruptly leaves.  This is not realistic.  Again, not a prince, but identifying the Woman Of My Destiny requires, on average, 30 minutes of intense, uh, scrutiny.  But this is not about me.

 

So, what does Prince 1 do when Cindy, The Woman Of His Destiny, leaves?

Multiple choice.

 

1. He chases her down and tackles her.

2. He has the Royal Guard chase her down and tackle her.

3. He rushes out to get the license plate number of the Pumpkin Carriage.

4. He reviews security camera footage to get the license plate number of the Pumpkin Carriage.  (Impractical.  In the old days, security camera tape had to be sent to Rochester, New York for processing.  The wait would make for a sub-par theatrical experience.)

5. He rushes to the edge of the garden AND STOPS THERE WONDERING What The Heck?

 

I think #3 is the most amusing, but alas folks, it's #5!

And why #5?  It doesn't make any sense until you look at possible explanations.

 

1. Prince 1 is fatigued.  This is straight out of the script.  "I am fatigued", says Prince 1.  And this is before all the Bob Fosse business there in the ballroom.  Maybe it's true.  After all, Prince 1 couldn't chase down a chick in an unwieldy ball gown wearing one glass slipper?  Come on.

2. Short-term memory loss.  Once Cindy is out of sight, she's out of mind.  I know, hard to believe.  But this concept was explored to comedic effect in the movie Finding Nemo. So there it is.

3. You Got Lucky by Tom Petty was playing on Prince 1's IPod.  Girl if you can do better than me, bolt...yeah bolt, but remember, Good love is hard to find (repeat)...you got lucky babe (repeat)...when I found you (guitar solo).  (Impractical.  You Got Lucky wasn't recorded until years after the Medieval period.)

4. Prince 1 decides chicks aren't worth the effort.  Totally understandable, happens to everybody occasionally, and possibly a good explanation of why Prince 1 is in this pickle (lack of heir to throne, forced to give Ball, etc.) to begin with.

5. It is necessary as a plot device.

 

#5 again.  See what I mean?  Hokie.

 

One thing more.  Everything reverts to its previous form at midnight, but Cindy leaves a glass slipper behind.  A size 11!  But that's not important right now.  The glass slipper remains a glass slipper.  It does not revert to an antique glass coffee percolator, a fake Mexican paper mache rutabaga, or anything else.  Fairy Godmother 1 says she can't create something out of nothing, but here she is handing off the glass slippers that conveniently appear...from WHERE?  For all we know she pulled them out of her (unprintable).

 

And if that imagery does not disqualify this show from attaining a "G" rating, nothing will.

Chapter Three - Dancing Girl Props

Yesterday at the end of rehearsal a question was posed.
Do the dancing girls have their props?  No?  Well, never mind.

I don't know about you, but ever since this little exchange I have been DYING to know what the dancing girl props are.  What would six young, attractive, dancing women bring on stage to use as props?  What could it possibly be?  This is the final scene of the show and the dancing girls come out with...what?

Here are some ideas.
1. Lingerie.  OK, I had to go there.  I must admit this is not very likely.  The question is of props, not costume.
2. Whips, chains.  More feasible, however still not likely based on the family-oriented nature of the show.  Although maybe we're going for the irony angle.
3. Light sabers and Jedi Knight paraphernalia.  This was suggested by Angry Wife 1.  Her is guess is as good as mine, although you could put your eye out with that thing.  Use The Force, Luke.
4. The collection of armor and swords observed in the front room of AT Jones Theatrical Costumers.  I like it.  Period-correct, and somewhat kinky without being overstated.
5. Apples, like the one received by Cinderella from the Queen disguised as an old beggar woman.  Wait.  Wrong story.
6. Brooms.  A1 is now promoted, so someone's gotta do the dirty work.  Right?  They could break into a game of Quiddich.  Wait.  Wrong story.
7. Magic wands with which they turn the rest of the cast into frogs.  Now that would be a surprise ending!
8. Silly string.
9. Water balloons.
10. A large vibrating egg.  (suggested in the movie Annie Hall).

Truth is, I've got nothing.  I was planning to go to rehearsal anyway, but now there is no way I would miss the resolution of this mystery.  And don't sit there and tell me you're not curious.

You know you are.

Chapter Two - The Terminator and The Counsel of Stage Wives

I have a problem.  Whenever our Fairy Godmother (call her FG1) has a scene I hear her lines delivered by Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Let me explain.

In the movie Terminator 2 Arnold's cyborg is programmed to be the protector of Sarah Connor and her son John, against a newer model shape-changing liquid metal cyborg that is trying to kill them.  Arnold is, in effect, the Fairy Godmother of that movie.  A few lines of similar dialogue lend credence to my premise.  I paraphrase, because of course I don't know verbatim dialogue from either piece.

FG1 (opening scene, after winding the key, to the audience) - I'll see you all of you later.
Arnold - I'll be back.
FG1 - Hold my hand.
Arnold - Come with me if you want to live.

FG1 (before the ball, in response to Cindy's question about creating a team of horses) - It doesn't work like that.  I can't create something out of nothing.  I can only create something out of something else.
Arnold (in response to John Connor's question about the liquid metal cyborg turning himself into a bomb) - It doesn't work that way...but it can form solid metal shapes...(like) knives and stabbing weapons.

FG1 - Why were you weeping?
Arnold - Why do you cry?

FG1 - I'm your Fairy Godmother
Arnold - My mission is to protect you.
Cindy 1 - I didn't know I had a fairy godmother.
John Connor - Who sent you?
Arnold - You did. 35 years from now you reprogrammed me to be your protector here - in this time.
FG1 - Most people don't know they have one.
John Connor - This is deep.

Me - See what I mean?

So I was sitting in the audience and I became aware that King 1 was standing on stage looking at me and saying my name.  I was supposed to be on stage as his Valet 1 at that moment and completely forgot.  I mentioned this to my dance partner, Stage Wife 1, and she asked:
Did you write it down?
No.
Why didn't you write it down?
At the time of that assignment I did not have a script.
Do you have a script now?
Yes, but...
And are you writing it down now?
Well, no...
Why aren't you writing it down? 
Well, because I'm not sure...
Are you relying on your memory?  Because your memory is (unprintable).

The amazing thing is that this situation, with very little modification, is just like real marriage.
At least from what I've seen on TV shows like Modern Family...

Chapter One - The lottery, the first date, and the search for a princess

I walked in and the first number I rehearsed with the cast of Cinderella was The Prince is Giving a Ball, and I thought the highlight was going to be enjoying how the seam of the rehearsal room mirror distorted my image, but then Choreographer 1 delivered an instruction that really got to me. He said we should react as though we had just won the lottery.

Well. I had a dream in which I did just that. I won the lottery!
But immediately there were issues.
My phone started ringing off the hook.
My long lost (or never known) relatives started wanting to get reacquainted.
My long lost (or never known) friends started getting really friendly.
My mailbox started overflowing with pleas for donation, business propositions, great investment ideas.
My email started filling with requests for conversation with Katrina Wetnwild. (Wait a minute - that's happening anyway.) I immediately took action (no I did not contact Katrina Wetnwild) and resigned from my job as a bovine dung analyst, and tried to get on top of some of my new responsibilities.
The main new responsibility, of course, was financial management. I knew I had to hire somebody to manage my money, but you can't trust just anybody with millions of dollars. I chose badly. I chose Dewey, Fleecem, and Howe. I lost everything.
Fortunately, at this point I awakened and, well, I still have no money. But it is more of a chronic condition rather than an acute one, so I guess it's, uh, OK.

So. If I look less than ecstatic after hearing that the Prince is Giving a Ball, it is because I am imagining winning the lottery. I am, however, reconsidering about Katrina Wetnwild.

And what about that first Cinderella-Prince dance? It is thoughtfully choreographed, and beautifully executed by Cindy 1 and Prince 1, but here's the thing. When I first meet a chick for ballroom dancing as a rule we don't usually get into the lifting and leaping and all that right away. What would be left for the second date? Although, typically I can't remember ever having a second consecutive ballroom dancing date. Or, come to think of it, a second date of any sort. I've always been under the impression that chicks like to start out a little slower. Could this be why I am not a prince? Could this be why chicks don't dig me?

And the glass slipper that A1 leaves behind appears to be something like a size - I don't know - 10?. And although they searched far and wide (perhaps a poor choice of words), there was no chick in the the entire kingdom whose foot the slipper would fit. Seriously? You gotta be kidding me.